One year ago yesterday we announced to the whole world (Facebook and blog world) that we were having another baby. I was terrified. We had not planned on getting pregnant. As a matter of fact we’d given up and decided that maybe after four miscarriages God was telling us we were done and then he surprised me on June 9, 2013 with a positive pregnancy test.
This time last year I was nine weeks pregnant (we thought I was only eight weeks) and was having full blown morning sickness and although I was feeling 99% positive about the pregnancy there was still that period 1% of negativity that’d creep up on me.
It is surreal to think that tonight my Samuel, who is almost 5 months old, is sleeping in the next room when this time last year I was wondering if I’d get to hold the little baby inside of me on this side of heaven. I constantly wanted to Josiah about the little brother or sister he was having, but was too afraid to tell him even though everyone else knew.
I’m excited about every new milestone that Samuel comes to — he’s recently started snacking on baby food, started to sit up (with a lot of help and supervision), and is even trying to CRAWL! At the same time it makes me sad. This time last year I was praying that I’d carry my sweet baby to term and now that sweet baby will be 5 months old in just two weeks. He’s already growing up right before my eyes.
During our three year struggle with infertility and baby loss I wondered if we’d ever have another baby. Every time I saw another woman with a baby bump or saw another positive pregnancy test on Facebook I struggled. I was happy for that person, but at the same time I had to fight the frustration and feeling of emptiness I had because it was someone else and not me. I wanted that positive pregnancy test. I wanted that baby bump. I wanted the pictures of all my family holding a new, sweet baby that belonged to me. Why couldn’t that be me?
Last Sunday we studied about Hannah in 1 Samuel. Hannah was married to Elkanah and had never been able to give him a child. He had another wife who had many children. This wife taunted Hannah because she couldn’t have children. Hannah was so distraught that she cried out to God and the priest thought she was drunk! She asked that God would give her a son and she made a vow that in return she’d give that son back to God. Well, she did have a son and she named him Samuel. As soon as he was weaned, Hannah kept her vow and took her son to the temple and he was raised in the ways of the Lord.
I read that story many times and felt encouragement. I knew that God could heal my body and I prayed all the time that He would. On June 9, 2013 when I saw that positive pregnancy test, although I felt a lot of anxiety about what might happen over the next several months I was at peace. Just a few weeks prior to that day I’d read the story of Hannah again. When I told Jimmi I was pregnant I told him that we were going to have another son and his name would be Samuel because he was the son that I knew God was going to give us.
As you all know, the pregnancy went great and Samuel Brian was born on Feb. 11. Over the past several months I’ve seen women I’m friends with on Facebook post pics of their new babies and post pictures of that positive test and I still wonder if that will ever be me. Even after having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby I still wonder if it will happen again.
Does it every really go away? Does that ache that hits when you see someone else’s BFP go away? After all, you don’t know if it will happen that way for you again. I don’t know if it will happen for me that way again. I know Samuel is only 4 1/2 months old, but I had always envisioned us with three or four children. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to come across as selfish or ungrateful. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about what will happen if we try to have another baby. Was my body completely healed, enabling me to have more children or was Samuel the one blessing (aside from Josiah of course) that I’d been waiting on? Will I have problems getting pregnant? Will I miscarry again? Will I have the perfect pregnancy and possibly get a little girl this time? Or will I have another boy and spend my life listening to dinner
conversations surrounded by sports and weird bodily functions?
It may seem odd to some that I’m already mulling this over, but the thing is it took me three years and four miscarriages to get Samuel. I’ll be 25 years old at the end of the month. That is definitely not old, but I don’t want to wait several more years before trying again because I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t want to be almost 30 and struggling to have another baby.
The past four years have dramatically changed my life and my perspective. I never thought I’d ever struggle the way I did. I never thought I’d be so amazingly blessed with Samuel. I pray that if it is God’s will that we may be blessed in that way again at some point. Regardless, I am greatly blessed with two wonderful sons and am content in the place where I am and regardless of what the future holds I will be content wherever my life leads.
To answer my own question, I don’t think it ever goes away. I don’t think a woman who has struggled to get pregnant or struggled to deliver a healthy pregnancy will ever see positive pregnancy test or maternity pictures or newly-birthed baby pictures the same way again without feeling that twinge. That twinge that makes one painful question come to mind, “Will it ever be me?” For many women, including myself, that question is, “Could it ever be me again?”