articles / Family life / Pregnancy

Pregnancy after loss

Worry

Worry (Photo credit: StormKatt)

I’ve posted a few (or a lot) of things about miscarriage, but it only makes sense now that I’m pregnant, to post about pregnancy after miscarriage. So here it is.

Women who have experienced a miscarriage, or in my case, several miscarriages, we learn the signs and when we get pregnant again, we are hypersensitive to those signs.

With all but one of my miscarriages I knew what was happening when I wiped after going to the bathroom and saw blood. With my first miscarriage, I was completely caught off guard when I saw the blood. Every pregnancy since then, I’ve looked for it. Even today (caution TMI), at 15 1/2 weeks I still check. Last time I checked, I actually saw a tinge of blood…duh, there are other things down there during pregnancy that happen that cause some irritation and bleeding that have nothing to do with the baby.

There are some days that I force myself not to check, but it’s hard. Up until now, I’ve grown to expect issues so I look for them. The thing is, sex and any type of exam can cause spotting. Sometimes women spot for no reason and have a perfectly healthy baby.

Back pain and cramping is also something I would worry excessively about. Every time my back ached I started to panic and wonder if that was a sign and if I should be worried. Some back ache and some cramping is normal. After all, your uterus is expanding, even in the early weeks — neither one of these symptoms directly point to an impending miscarriage. Heck, I’ve had gas pains that caused me to have a second of panic (another fun pregnancy symptom).

I think the psychological damage can be even worse than searching for the physical signs of miscarriage. Once we’re pregnant again, the first several weeks are spent wondering, “Should I tell or wait?” or “How long should I wait?” You so desperately want to share your news, but your terrified of having to take it back.

The first thing I think every woman wants to do when she finds out she’s pregnant is go buy something…anything that has to do with pregnancy or a baby. For me it was maternity clothes. Whether or not I could wear it now, I wanted to have something that screamed of maternity.

With my first miscarriage I bought some maternity clothes because I didn’t think I had any reason to worry. Sadly, about four days later I miscarried. I wanted to burn those maternity clothes. I wanted to hide them and never look at them again. I couldn’t bear to part with the pregnancy test because it was evidence that there was a baby, but I had to hide it. I couldn’t handle looking at what might have been — what should have been.

Does the panic and the worry ever completely go away? I don’t think it ever completely goes away. I think it is normal for a mother to be a little bit concerned. I remember poking and prodding Josiah at 30 weeks just to make sure he was still moving in there. I remember watching him breathe until he was almost 2 years old. It’s all irrational. Worry is irrational.

Joyce Meyer said the other day that worry is like a rocking chair — we can do it all day and at the end of the day we’ll still be in the same place we started.

I’ve prayed a lot during this pregnancy and I still pray. I still have moments where I think, “Oh gosh, what if something goes wrong this far along?” Even after I’ve had an ultrasound and I’m feeling the baby move (still sporadically) I’m still slightly concerned. There’s many times that I lay still on my back (it’s still early enough that I can do that comfortably…sort of) and hold my hands on my belly and silently coax the little baby to wiggle so I can feel him/her. I love that feeling period, but it’s also a nice reminder that everything is OK.

The thing is, I have to trust. Worry never stopped my other miscarriages and worry won’t stop anything bad from happening in my life. All worrying does is suck the joy out of you. You spend all your time worrying and you can’t enjoy yourself or your baby in the meantime. Some women are detached during the first trimester from their baby because they’re worried if they get attached and they miscarry it will be too painful for them.

Stop worrying. It’s easier said than done I know. I had to learn to trust that everything was going to be OK and work out REGARDLESS of how it turned out. I’m still thanking God that it’s worked out in our favor this time!

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